Ask HN: How to be alone?
For the first time in my life, at 38, I'm alone. When I was 18 I basically moved out of my parents' straight in with my highschool sweetheart, and we were together ever since. That chapter of my life is over now, and I'm finding the adjustment very difficult. There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours. Another is that weekends are hard. I used to be in a house filled with life each weekend, and now it's me and my dog (and my cat, when he decides to grace me with his presence). Having animals helps somewhat, but it's still hard simply being alone with myself for ~60 hours. I'm also finding it difficult to think of things to do. My default action is to play games, but it feels empty, both because I used to be able to play games alongside someone else and because I have no one to share the cool moments with. I understand that many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required. All I can say is that I haven't ever lived that way. I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person. There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers. I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them). Everything feels hollow now. That's the main thing that's hard to adjust to. I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that, or just to hear stories from other people who have had to undergo similar situations. In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy. I was hoping to hear from anyone in the community who's transitioned from a family dynamic to being on your own, and to learn from any lessons you've picked up along the way. Or just to hear some stories in general about your experiences. Thanks.
Discussion Highlights (20 comments)
appsoftware
Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors). Trust that it will take time, but it will happen.
nephihaha
Depression will make you want to be antisocial, but positive social situations are good for your mental health so sometimes you have to force yourself into it. Exercise is very good for your mental health, and I think part of your issue is working from home. Take vitamins because many people are deficient in them — B will give you energy, C better immune system and D will help with your mood and sleep. It is good that you have pets, because they are company. I would say that hobbies are a good shout. Especially those that result in the production of something physical whether it is a knitted item, a wooden thing or whatever. Also very good to take up a musical instrument. I was put off music for decades but am finally playing something. Online socials are no real substitute for meeting in person. I've learnt that the hard way. If you want socialisation, then consider night classes (especially spoken language since they are interactive), writing groups, and joining societies. If you are religious, consider joining a congregation (mileage may vary so shop around), if not there are atheist groups that do meetups and secular sunday services etc. If you need to, take the initiative and start up your own group. I have done this for nearly four years now and it is still working well. Get out into nature, not just manicured parks and artificial environments.
atas2390
I went through something similar after a long relationship ended. What helped me wasn’t “find a hobby” but a few small, repeatable things: • Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic. • Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void. • Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard. You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.
markus_zhang
I guess few people get what they want, as I crave for more alone time and hate socialization. I haven’t gone through the same transformation, but here is my recommendation: find something you truly want to build, or change, or whatever, and go for it. You are now free to do whatever you want. Trace your thoughts to your youth, to your childhood, and find something you were excited about, long before you met your sweetheart, and go for it.
wismwasm
Try out a new hobby, maybe take Salsa classes. Anything to be around people, don’t try to be comfortable alone.
npinsker
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time — it sounds rough. Hope things get better soon. Not related, but one thing that’s comforted me in the past is that one’s brain physiologically responds to these changes like an addiction withdrawal — and one has to endure a cocktail of hormones and awful feelings but those will subside, with time, even if you make no changes to your life at all. It goes without saying that some new groups to socialize with would help, but that’s a lot easier said than done :) It’s also important for you to believe — emotionally, not logically — that things will get better. This is difficult. Depression can lead to black-and-white thinking in areas that it doesn’t belong, so I feel it’s essential to combat this if it’s something you’re seeing. One thing that helps a lot is trying to have your expectations violated in a pleasant way. Specifically — rather than tunneling on a hobby you’re interested in, I think it’s surprisingly valuable to join a group around something you think you might kinda like, but don’t like too much. (D&D would be an example for me.) Things will rarely turn out the way you expect, and I think if you go in with a lower bar for success, you leave more room for yourself to be pleasantly surprised and feeling hopeful and open.
ieie3366
Hit the gym a lot to find your inner peace. Both weightlifting and lots of zone2
rokhayakebe
If you aren't already start working out daily and learn to make healthy meals. Not necessarily to help with loneliness, but to prevent having another problem that will only make the first worst. If you can work from a coffee shop, if you can afford a coworking space, do it. Plus one if the new office/coffee shop is a bit far from your house. Call your parents daily if you can.
loloquwowndueo
> There are the usual suggestions: […] But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. There are some other suggestions and ideas here in the comments and your response also boils down to “thank you but that’s too hard”. Sorry to say this but - it’s going to be hard. Did you want something easy? I don’t think it exists in this situation. Creating new routines and breaking out into something different from what you were used to for years, will take effort and resources. There’s no magic pill. You can do this but it’ll take effort and discipline. Go for it!
Hnrobert42
1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. 2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression. 4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness. Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process. Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.
adyavanapalli
I saw this a couple of years ago and felt that it might help you https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=d1ibZfR9uKbuXpCd . Best of luck OP.
reactordev
The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back into flying) and volunteer and give back to the community around you. You’ll find that hollowness was self-inflicted. A dog is a great companion as well.
wryyy
I'm 37 and can relate to this. I lived and worked in another country for a pretty long time and was forced to move back home due to layoffs. I dont really know anybody apart from my family members any longer because I was away for so long. I don't feel bad about it all the time but there are days when I too feel hollow and long for some social life. I don't have a lot of answers, traveling has helped me to connect with other travelers a bit, that's one thing.
Gualdrapo
This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.
giantg2
I'm a little baffled. Do you live in a wilderness? In the list of potential things you gave, there are few social activities. Find a club for one of your hobbies. Find a group exercise program. Volunteer for an organization you are passionate about. Also, being alone out in nature can be very beneficial for you. Maybe find a therapist to help you decouple yourself from your prior relationship.
mythrwy
I live remotely in a very isolated area and work remotely (no slack, just email). I live with my partner but she is in town for work during the day. I go to town a couple of times a month. Before COVID I had an office in town but realized I don't need it. I've lived here for about 15 years. Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games. I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.
_puk
The fact you're asking is great. Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want. You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us". Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know. Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection. Things that I've tried: * Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill * Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting. * Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places. * Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior. * Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout. * To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off. * If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you. Things I've tried and don't work * The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc). * Pubs / bars as above * Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling. If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!
ZeroClickOk
Two different perspectives: 1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason. 2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone". And one piece of advice: 1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.
bilsbie
Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life. Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.
ratg13
Go to where the people are. Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.